View Full Version : Marriage as E3/4
The lady and I have been talking a lot in recent weeks about getting married after advanced training.
If A and C schools go well, I'll come out as an E4. If I only get through A school, I'll come out as an E3.
First tour is on the boat, I know that. The two of us know of the deployments, not getting much time together because of that, etc.
However, if we got married, and she was able to come to my home port, and we bought a house, would I be able to see her while at port? Like, after work hours, night time, etc. Or would it be better to wait until first shore duty to tie the knot?
I know, I'm young, but... I mean this in all seriousness. It's not just for shits and giggles.
EDIT: I know I'm making a good amount of threads lately. I'm trying to figure out what all I should do, what my options are, etc. The recruiters will only say so much.
SonicBlue03GT
05-12-2010, 22:31
To be honest man, this is one of the most common things that happens in the military. I mean its your life and you do what makes you happy. But most of these people usually end up seperated within a year. I'd say go there get yourself situated, have her visit, see how it goes. Divorces can be nasty man, and the military historically favors the spouse and fucks you.
what he said - except if they're both mil, is she still considered a spouse?
To be honest man, this is one of the most common things that happens in the military. I mean its your life and you do what makes you happy. But most of these people usually end up seperated within a year. I'd say go there get yourself situated, have her visit, see how it goes. Divorces can be nasty man, and the military historically favors the spouse and fucks you.
What if she bought an apartment or something down there. Would I be able to visit her as much as I would be able to if we were married?
SonicBlue03GT
05-13-2010, 00:03
Im not sure how the navy works, but in the AF you "could" live there with her. Just make sure your dorm/ship whatever you guys call it, appears that you live in it (ie bed that has stuff on it, shitty tv, stuff in the shower.... just the bare essentials). Technically you are not supposed to but no one really cares, as long as the room is presentable for inspections and stuff. But if your an E4 (kinda wierd they just give it to you like that so soon) you prolly will live off base anyways since thats an NCO in the navy, in that case mil can't tell you shit about how to live.
What if she bought an apartment or something down there. Would I be able to visit her as much as I would be able to if we were married?
I retired a while ago, but I believe things are the same.
You'll be able to leave the ship (barring restriction :o) any time you aren't working or have duty.
On the carrier, we were in four section duty unless working up or on deployment, then it was 3 section.
Once working hours were over you were free to go, and return in the morning for "quarters."
There are times that a ship will restrict liberty for E4 and below, requiring them to return by midnight, however this usually only happens overseas.
I have been married for 30 years, 20 of which were Active duty Navy, however I was the minority -- we were dating and did a deployment and 12 months of my overseas tour apart. Also, she was a Navy brat, so she knew what to expect. I guess, bottom line, I would recommend -- date long before you tie the knot.
SonicBlue03GT
05-13-2010, 01:49
Whoa wait, you actually live in the ship? I thought you guys just called the dorms/barracks ships.....
Im not sure how the navy works, but in the AF you "could" live there with her. Just make sure your dorm/ship whatever you guys call it, appears that you live in it (ie bed that has stuff on it, shitty tv, stuff in the shower.... just the bare essentials). Technically you are not supposed to but no one really cares, as long as the room is presentable for inspections and stuff. But if your an E4 (kinda wierd they just give it to you like that so soon) you prolly will live off base anyways since thats an NCO in the navy, in that case mil can't tell you shit about how to live.
According to my contract, (due to the field I'm going into), I will enter basic training as an E3. After my first A school, I will be granted E4.
Whoa wait, you actually live in the ship? I thought you guys just called the dorms/barracks ships.....
If only.
I have been married for 30 years, 20 of which were Active duty Navy, however I was the minority -- we were dating and did a deployment and 12 months of my overseas tour apart. Also, she was a Navy brat, so she knew what to expect. I guess, bottom line, I would recommend -- date long before you tie the knot.
I've known her for about 6 years. We never really "dated", but have been really close for a number of those years. In the past couple of months though we've been getting closer, and then the past couple weeks/month or so we've been talking about getting married.
I appreciate all the info, as usual, guys.
best of luck man - either way
SonicBlue03GT
05-13-2010, 04:30
wait so you actually live on those boats, in those small ass little beds. wtf, that is so fucked, i really cant believe they retain anyone with living conditions like that
I mean while the ship is deployed yeah completly understandable, but when at home station, really, that has to be wrong there is no way
No offense to the navy guys btw, that is just truly unbeliavable
Stanger00
05-13-2010, 06:02
wait so you actually live on those boats, in those small ass little beds. wtf, that is so fucked, i really cant believe they retain anyone with living conditions like that
I mean while the ship is deployed yeah completly understandable, but when at home station, really, that has to be wrong there is no way
No offense to the navy guys btw, that is just truly unbeliavable
I have a younger cousin that is 21 who is married to a civilian with a kid. He deploys out with the ship to do whatever it is they do and he goes back home to the wife and kid off base. He has only been in the Navy a couple years.
sonic, yes we really do live on them. its cozy at times to say the least. they do put floating barracks next to the ships if they are going to be home for a while to give the guys/gals a little more room. thats why i chose to be avaition, only see the ship when i need to.
r890, after you get through school the navy is just like anyother job out there with the exception of what squid said about your duty days. i am an instructor here in san diego for AE C school for H-60's and i have seen alot of guys come through my classes with the same questions. I am not going to tell you how to run your relationships but i would get through your schools first and see how that goes. many couples entertheir relationships "knowing" what is to be expected, and when it comes down to it the sepration and distance get alot of em, not saying that you girl will runout on you but it happens alot with new guys in similar situations. if you have any questions about anything feel free to pm me. your recruiters tell you a little bit of info pertaining to the navy and some times get out of touch with the fleet if they have been doing it for a while.
i saw you were asking if anyone is a nuke. so i am assuming that is what you are going to be doing. is so WAIT UNTIL YOU FINISH SCHOOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! that shit is no joke. no time for distractions. in class 8hrs than studying for another 8hrs maybe more just to do it again the next day.
We weren't going to get married before basic. We had talked about waiting until after schooling because of how long it will be and how much of my time it's going to take each day.
I had thought about re-classing to HM, but decided against it because of the rank and bonus for NF.
My buddy just got stationed in San Diego. He has to report by June 3rd. Maybe you'll see him! (doubtful, but.. yeah).
Whoa wait, you actually live in the ship? I thought you guys just called the dorms/barracks ships.....
Yup, your "home" is the ship. A good number of people lived off ship, but there were that portion who resided onboard. I did on my first couple of ships. The Submarine guys call the barracks home but the surface guys have spots on the ship.
i saw you were asking if anyone is a nuke. so i am assuming that is what you are going to be doing. is so WAIT UNTIL YOU FINISH SCHOOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! that shit is no joke. no time for distractions. in class 8hrs than studying for another 8hrs maybe more just to do it again the next day.
I'll second that. I went through Power school and Prototype -- you do not have time to work on a relationship during school. If you keep your grades up to requirements, you still have many hours of extra study and if they drop the time goes up exponentially. We had guys in my class with 5-6 hours of mando extra study each night.
If you stay in the nuke field great. the SRBs are outstanding. promotion isnt too bad also. looking back at my career i love avaition but if i knew then what i know now i would of taken nuke when the offered it to me, even though i still cant see myself locked up in a sub.
I am on my fourth marriage, but it's to my first girlfriend...go figure. I say, wait till after both schools. If you two both love eachother, you both will wait till then. No need to hurry something that doesn't need to be hurried. Not to psycho-analyze anything, but you were basically saying you were "friends" and have kinda grown closer. Let it grow a little more...what do you have to loose. Also, you guys do NOT need to have any kids yet. You will NOT make enough money to survive on as it is...DON'T make it harder. Just my 0.02 worth
I am on my fourth marriage, but it's to my first girlfriend...go figure. I say, wait till after both schools. If you two both love eachother, you both will wait till then. No need to hurry something that doesn't need to be hurried. Not to psycho-analyze anything, but you were basically saying you were "friends" and have kinda grown closer. Let it grow a little more...what do you have to loose. Also, you guys do NOT need to have any kids yet. You will NOT make enough money to survive on as it is...DON'T make it harder. Just my 0.02 worth
Oh jesus, I'm not having kids anytime soon. Waaaay too much responsibility for them. Maybe if I was on shore duty and could spend more time with them, but while at sea, it'd be a pain.
If you stay in the nuke field great. the SRBs are outstanding. promotion isnt too bad also. looking back at my career i love avaition but if i knew then what i know now i would of taken nuke when the offered it to me, even though i still cant see myself locked up in a sub.
Well not everything for nuke is on the sub. Got lucky there.
SeeingRed
05-14-2010, 11:21
To be honest man, this is one of the most common things that happens in the military. I mean its your life and you do what makes you happy. But most of these people usually end up seperated within a year. I'd say go there get yourself situated, have her visit, see how it goes. Divorces can be nasty man, and the military historically favors the spouse and fucks you.
Pretty much what I was going to say. Don't be so eager to tie the knot. Live a little first. Go through your school, get situated, learn how things are going to be, then if it's right, do it.
MustangSteveGT
05-15-2010, 03:17
Just some observations I've made since being in the Navy. When it comes to the question of marriage, it's kind of the same all across the services that you need to be insanely weary of making the decision to do it.
-don't do it so soon because you have NO idea how she is really going to handle the long distance thing. The long distance thing will happen a lot, over and over again. within less than a year of being apart during your training, either one of you might not hold the idea of getting married to such a high degree.
-you will be on a ship, ships go to foreign ports. ports full of lots and lots of whores beyond what you have seen in America and you will NOT want to be married when that happens. there are also females is the Navy. They will likely be on base somewhere in proximity of you, don't marry them either.
-you will change. meaning you will become a different person because of what you do and the different stuff you have to deal with that she does not as a civilian likely living in a lax environment like college than many girls her age attend. this is another one of those things she may not take so well.
-even if you do marry her early on like right after your training commands, it doenst mean she is mature enough to handle the demand of being a military spouse or a marriage in general.
My Navy career started with a year and a half of training commands. Most of which don't just allow you much freedom to do much of anything like run off and get married. I missed home and people I used to have, like the girl you're talking about. We split off knowing it would be way too hard to realistically make it work and enjoyable for both people. People, especially young people really need to be there for each other physically. One of you two will break, likely because of that before anything else.
By coincidence I met up with that same girl years later in San Diego and ended up getting married after I had seen a lot more of the world and she was a little more mature to be wife material.
Some times you need to put your pride aside and not challenge the norm. Or at least take a break from challenging it. If she really is the one, she will come back to you and be there when you are ready. I find that if you force/rush things like this in inopportune situations you get real bad results. This is something that I suggest you do when your life has more stability, you are making a little more money from making some rank and even learned who YOU are yourself.
As much as I hate to admit it, I know you're right. It's one of those things that I wish could happen how both her and I want because of how we feel right now. But it sucks because, while I don't see her everyday now, it would be much harder when I start basic (and even harder through A and C schools).
My parents warned me for years since I had even started talking about enlisting that I shouldn't rush to get married if I find someone. Hell, I even talked my best friend out of getting married before he went to basic for the exact same reasons everyone here has told me. It's hypocritical that I did that and am now trying to find ways for my lady and I to be together.
I guess I'm stuck in a dream world for that, trying to give her what she wants and make her happy. The hours and deployments would kill that, I suppose.
I wasn't looking for anyone since I left my ex back in October. I even left her so I could focus on the Navy. Yet here I am, falling hard for this amazing girl hoping that everything works out in our favor. She's my definition of my dream girl. Some days I regret enlisting just so I could be with her more. But, if I hadn't enlisted, I'd still be stuck at a dead-end job as a mechanic, living with my mom, listening to everyone in my family complain that I wasn't doing anything worth a damn in my life.
At least now I can make decent/good money and see if this girl is really the one, right?
I'm sure the Navy will be my career. Hell, why not? I mean, with all the time spent training, why bother getting out and having to worry about job security and starting off at the bottom of the chain?
I suppose if she's really the one, she'll wait.. Maybe after a deployment or two, if she still wants to be around we could be together..
UPDATE:
Her, her best friend, and her best friends boyfriend want me to get a house with them while I'm still here. They made a deal with me since I'm leaving in September. I clean the dishes, I get to live there for free.
Her friend and her boyfriend eat a LOT... Stupid fast metabolisms, too. I'm jealous.
tuflehundon
06-07-2010, 04:11
I would say give it some time before getting married. I was engaged for 2 years while I was in. Everything was fine till I deployed, she just couldn't handle it. A lot of women can't handle the deployments. So give it time to see of she can. Some marriages are strengthened by the separation, some are torn apart.
gmantheman
06-25-2010, 08:00
Wait. I believe the divorce rate for couples under the age of 25 is around 80%. You are both young. Live a little within reason; date other people. If you get married after 'C' school, which will be too soon, you may regret it latter.
Smokin'Red35th
06-25-2010, 16:24
Wait. I believe the divorce rate for couples under the age of 25 is around 80%. You are both young. Live a little within reason; date other people. If you get married after 'C' school, which will be too soon, you may regret it latter.
this may be true, but the reason for that is not because its any more difficult now than it used to be. its because people arent raised with values anymore. My wife and I got married at 20 and 21. We were young, immature, but in love. There have been many ups and downs, more downs than up, but as you begin to figure things out together, you start to have more ups than downs. The thing is you both have to just commit yourselves, and not just quit when it gets hard, because it WILL get hard, and you WILL think to yourself that the grass is greener on the other side. Let me tell you, you're going to have the same problems with your next relationship. We've gone to many marriage classes, and EVERYONE has the same issues in their marriage. Stick it out, make it work, be the minority. If you allow yourselves to quit on eachother, you'll be just another statistic. Its really an accomplishment to have a working relationship nowadays, which is sad but so true.
That being said, i'm not going to tell you to wait or jump into marriage right away, but think about it very carefully. take the blinders off and make sure your girlfriend is a person who will be able to remain committed WITH you. if you have any doubts about that, you better figure that out before you get married. she may not be the right one for you.
My wife is the glue to our marriage, she'll never quit on me, and that helps keep me on track a little bit. If it wasnt for her, we probably wouldnt be together right now.
this may be true, but the reason for that is not because its any more difficult now than it used to be. its because people arent raised with values anymore. My wife and I got married at 20 and 21. We were young, immature, but in love. There have been many ups and downs, more downs than up, but as you begin to figure things out together, you start to have more ups than downs. The thing is you both have to just commit yourselves, and not just quit when it gets hard, because it WILL get hard, and you WILL think to yourself that the grass is greener on the other side. Let me tell you, you're going to have the same problems with your next relationship. We've gone to many marriage classes, and EVERYONE has the same issues in their marriage. Stick it out, make it work, be the minority. If you allow yourselves to quit on eachother, you'll be just another statistic. Its really an accomplishment to have a working relationship nowadays, which is sad but so true.
That being said, i'm not going to tell you to wait or jump into marriage right away, but think about it very carefully. take the blinders off and make sure your girlfriend is a person who will be able to remain committed WITH you. if you have any doubts about that, you better figure that out before you get married. she may not be the right one for you.
My wife is the glue to our marriage, she'll never quit on me, and that helps keep me on track a little bit. If it wasnt for her, we probably wouldnt be together right now.
good post - I wish I knew then what I know now. Hindsight blah blah....
:disturbed:
Smokin'Red35th
06-25-2010, 16:30
also, and this has without a doubt made the biggest difference in us being able to work things out. If you two arent opposed to going to church, find a good church, get involved in couples groups through your church, or marriage classes. For example, our church has classes called Marriage 101 every few months. they're six week DVD/discussion based classes, and they're free. it really opens your eyes to knowing you're not alone in whatever issues you're having together. you'll make friends who are helpful for support during difficult times, and you learn invaluable lessons to help build a strong foundation for your marriage. you dont have to wait till you're married to do these things either.
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